Tuesday, November 8, 2011


That's what I'm feeling today. A lot of emotions. Happiness, love, hope, integrity, hopefullness, anxiety, anger, annoyance, spite, and disappointed. Why all this mix of love and hate? One word: family. I love all of my family. I don't hate or dislike any of them. I may hate or dislike how they live their life or the choices they make but I would never say I hate them. But unlike most days, today not all of my love goes to all of my family members. And really it's just one person that my love isn't going towards. So who isn't my love going towards today? My mother. I don't hate my mother by any means and honestly I would never say I hated her. I just strongly dislike some, well all, of the choices she has made in the last few years. Which include cheating, lying, divorce, and marriage. It's funny to have put divorce and marriage together as two of the poor decisions she's made. Funny because usually marriage is a good and happy choice. But in her case and in my opinion, it's not.
Cheating is, well, a sin. Especially since, in this form, it's adultery. Everyone cheats, but not everyone is an adulterer. My mother is an adulterer. She was married to my step-dad for almost ten years. And she threw away her marriage for some immature douche bag, not to mention who is younger than her, she met one random night. At a bar, nonetheless. Now I'm not saying that you can't meet a decent person at a bar. Because it is possible. And I'm not saying that age makes any difference in a relationship. Yes, an 80-year-old dating a 20-year-old is disgusting but if it works, it works. This relationship my mother is in, however, doesn't work. The age difference is less than ten years but the maturity level is much greater. And that's a bigger factor than age any day. This guy is a 15-year-old boy trapped in a 36-year-old man's body. No joke. Don't get me wrong, he is nice. But he's not right for my mom and is honestly a little weird. And sometimes even comes off as gay. Which worries me. Now I might be ok with this relationship if my mom and step-dad were actually in the process of getting divorced but they weren't. And I'm pretty sure my mom hadn't even discussed a divorce with my step-dad before she even met this guy. Maybe he's the reason they got divorced and maybe he's not. I'll probably never know. But as of right now, I say he is. This does not take any blame away from my mom though. She's still the person I'm mad at.
Lying is also a sin. And also something I absolutely despise. Especially the fact that my mom lied straight to my face. And probably straight to my step-dad's face. This makes me even angrier. My step-dad is a great guy. And he never deserved any of the crap my mom put him through. When my mom first told me about the divorce, she straight up told me that she never cheated on my step-dad. But then almost a year later, she gave me the details of when she met this other guy and everything didn't add up. The reason being is they met on November 7 and had sex that night. But we didn't get told about the divorce until that December. I don't think my mom even realizes that she did lie to me. Even though right now I really want to do some hateful things towards her. One of them being confronting her on the whole lie, I would never do it. Mostly because I hate confrontation.
Divorce is also a sin. Mostly in the eyes of a church and God. Now I am not really a religous person but I do believe in God. The bizarre thing is that even though divorce is a sin, I don't believe that it is a sin all of the time. I do think that sometimes divorce is really what is right. For instance, my parents got divorced when I was 12. They were married for 15 years. When it happened I, of course, wasn't happy about it. But in the long run it has made my dad a much better father. We are extremely close now. And without my mom and him getting a divorce, I would probably never have that relationship that I have now with him. But see, their divorce was a mutual agreement. They even tried counseling. But in the end, it just wasn't right for them to stay married. Now in the case of my mom and step-dad's marriage, the divorce could have been avoided. First, my mom couldn't have cheated. Second, my step-dad could have fought to save the marriage. But he didn't. He told her if she wanted a divorce that she would have to file because he wouldn't. Which in my opinion takes a very strong man to do. He also told her that within a year if she felt it was a mistake to leave him that he would take her back. I'm sorry but that just melts my heart. He really truly loved her. And I'm sure he still does.
Now marriage is not a sin. Unless you use marriage just for the money or citizenship or whatever other reason there would be to get married just to get married and not when you're in love. But not even a year after her divorce is final from my step-dad, she goes off and gets married. Something she even told me she wasn't going to do for a while or even at all. There's another lie. Regardless of if she meant it at the time or not. It's still a lie in my eyes. I'm sure by now you can tell why I'm not happy about this marriage. It really bugs me after all she did that she just runs off and gets married. Did it really have to be so soon? And to someone that her whole family really doesn't like? I really hate that no one has the guts to tell her that we don't like him but I don't really think it would make a difference. And see the thing is that she didn't fall in love with him at first, she fell head over heels in love with his little girl. That's the main problem. This child is a brat but I'm not going to get into that now. She's really to blind to see how much my brother and I really don't like him. But that's how she is. Everything is about her. It always has been. Which is another thing I don't really like about my mom but I'm getting away from the point.
I love my mom. I really do. I mean come on, she's my mom. She always will be my mom. And even though we've had our fair share of fights. I love her. But that love is totally different than what I have towards my dad. And this is true with any parent/child relationship. But with my relationship with my dad I have respect for him. My respect for my mom in the last few years has diminished to almost nothing. How can you tear a family apart like that? Plus all these divorces and marriages have really screwed with my head. They have all my life. There's only one couple in my life that I can actually look to for how a marriage should be. And yes I know not every marriage is the same but their marriage is how I want my marriage to be. And that's my grandparents relationship. Even though my grandpa passed away almost two years ago, I still look at how his marriage was with my grandma. But since he has passed, it's harder and harder to see how a functional marriage works. Anyway, I'm kind of getting off topic.
I really wish my mom would have waited longer to get married. Not just because it was so sudden and so soon after she got divorced. But also because she jumps in so quickly with everything. How does she really know that this guy is good for her when she's so oblivious to how her family feels? And really I have no room to talk because I wasn't with my husband for very long before we got married. But still. My point is that her actions have affected me in more ways than one. And maybe I'm being a little selfish. But after she sent me photos today of their wedding I just felt like screaming to everyone who told her congratulations that she cheated on my step-dad and anything else to just bring out dirty little secrets to hurt her. I don't even feel happy for her...